Welcome to The Anxious Musician
If you are here, it is likely because you face the same problem and you have been googling for ages to find a remedy. You see, I have this thing called performance anxiety— and no, it is not nervous jitters or a little stage fright. I have full-blown panic attacks and nervous breakdowns before performances, lessons, rehearsals, and sometimes even practice sessions. It was overwhelming and it made me want to quit every day. This obviously made it difficult for me to even acknowledge that I am a fine musician in the right circumstance (and we will talk about that another time). It has been a long musical journey, to say the least. My experience with music has been dynamic and sometimes it feels like I have tried every method in the world to fix the performance anxiety. However, I have come to realize that it will be something that exists with me for a while. That is ok because now, in many ways I have overcome it and am able to talk to you about it.
I am sure you are finding so many academic articles on performance anxiety, perspectives from physicians in lab coats, and maybe a music therapist here and there, or someone who assumes performance anxiety is just stage fright— but you are looking for a personal perspective of someone who has very real anxiety attacks in performance-based activities and somehow still managed to be a musician. Something more than just a medical paper. You have aimlessly looked for answers or at the very least a story of triumph and glory. You so desperately want to be a good musician. Your performance anxiety is likely disrupting the thing you love and cannot see yourself without. It is likely that you have considered quitting. Teachers and otherwise well-meaning people have suggested you look towards non-performance-based careers. Maybe you just feel hopeless. Nevertheless, you are tenacious like me and are determined to make it work.
I firmly believe that you will.
Although I cannot promise that sharing my personal experiences will lead you to get rid of your performance anxiety, I can most certainly give you a perspective that I have not encountered in the realm of music. Honestly, a lot of this process had to do with a combination of self-discovery, understanding body politics, and how that shapes our experiences, and history… plus all the music stuff. I have cycled through so many teachers, and all were very good and had their own teaching methods. As well, I have had not-so-good teachers (for me). No one seemed to really understand what I was enduring or why music was so difficult. Many of them, made it clear that they have never encountered a student like me. This is an interesting statement that I have heard countless times— it is endearing at this point. No matter how many different ways I would explain my musical issues, it seemed like nothing worked. Almost hopeless.
Until recently.
It took me a really long time to get to a point where I can minimize the panic attacks and also self-remedy my musical issues. I know exactly what to ask for from my teachers now. Although it took me a long time to figure that out. Once it clicked in my head, I realized that the things that were missing in my education and my musical journey were never taught, they were just expected of you (but we will talk about this another time😊). These concepts, such as brain development, trauma and music, miseducation, cultural and racial understanding, and social differences are not discussed in the realm of music education. As I’ve gone through 12 years of playing, learning, and teaching and community work— I have developed a strong sense of what my role in the realm of music is and how I can make social impact.
I attribute this unique perspective and understanding to a few things:
My personal life story: As a woman of color in a field dominated by men and white people; I have a unique perspective. Higher ed wants to keep people like me out.
Community: I will always, always be eternally grateful for the black and brown women and queer folks in my life that expended emotional and intellectual labor in educating me and giving me the tools to be able to continue the work in social justice through the arts.
Formal music education: Though this is a bittersweet topic for me, this perspective could not exist with the fundamentals and practice of music.
Perseverance, resilience, dedication, and never-ending curiosity: I learned this from my parents. Without a word, I learned that the sacrifices made on their backs were for the pursuit of liberation through education. They wanted a better life for the family and I am taking that torch and passing it on to future generations beyond the family. Our communities need healing and I believe that arts are a critical point in that healing. I made a promise that I will achieve everything I set my mind to.
We have plenty of time to talk about everything. These are some of the ways I hope musicians can benefit from this blog:
Provide content about music in a digestible and accessible manner
I have notes from every single music class and mentorship I’ve taken and I want to share that with you! I struggled A LOT during music school to understand key concepts in western music especially as someone who started their musical training later in life. Hopefully, this will help you understand things in a low-pressure environment or at the very least provide brilliant resources to assist in your studios. Likewise, for my music studio, I want to make sure you have something to look at when you are not in my class. I am a firm believer in using technology in my classes. Whereas nothing beats teaching in real life, we can’t negate the fact that technology is here to stay. I create a lot of recordings so students can revisit them later after our lessons. My younger students in particular need a refresher prior to lessons and I have made those public for them.
Create a centralized database of useful music resources
I cannot tell you how many times I have found blogs or music websites that would be great otherwise— if the website design was better. I hope to locate and find user-friendly apps, sites, and blogs that are easy to use. Within this conversation, I want to make sure I center black and brown narratives, inventions, and music. I also want to make sure to do this in an ethical and intentional way. With systemic racism being embedded in technology a lot of quality sites from BIPOC creators are buried. Consuming products and materials other than our own is beneficial to our growth as people but as musicians too. Consider this: most formal music education is imbedded in western cannon. If it is not working for you now, maybe you think it’s time to step out of the echo chamber and learn from someone else. Someone who may be able to explain musical concepts in a way that was written other than the books that are rooted in strict western music education.
Advice on surviving and thriving in music
I think there are non-musical elements that can help musicians learn their craft in an effective but kind way. Many former professionals I have met who quit music are people who burnt out or grew tired of unrealistic expectations. I hope that at some point I can create a segment beyond my own perspective on what helped individuals reclaim their love for music.
Grow a community of musicians
This is by far the most important part: I want this to be more than a database. I want this to be a collaborative environment in which we learn and grow from each other especially those that struggle with performance anxiety. We are more than just practicing musicians. We are humans doing human things that make our days a little bit brighter. We are not our productivity and I hope that we can share the things that bring us joy.
All there is left to say is: welcome! Welcome to The Anxious Musician. I hope we can tackle this together and grow as people and musicians :)
